Earth Day Hung Over (Please Recycle This Post)

Mother Earth's Creator threatens to drop her if Earthlings don't get their shit together real soon

Earth Day: a man-made invention (from the makers of Valentine’s Day & All Saints’ Day), wherein its creator sets aside a 24-hour period each day to reflect upon the other 364 days of the year when man clog’s Mother’ Earth pores with plastics, recyclable garbage, archaic non-plasma television sets, nuclear waste, appliances, concrete slabs, dead sex toys, and aluminum canisters filled with petty rationalizations and excuses as to why Americans feel the need to bend Mama Earth over and stick it to her every non-Earth Day of the year.

Like insincere New Year’s Resolutions, we Americans used Earth Day as an excuse to take time away from producing more waste to make vows not to produce more waste. The big question is how many of us, when we wake up tomorrow morning with an environmental hangover, will actually remember the promises we made in the global warming of the moment while trying to get into Mama Earth’s pants.

That said, I’ve decided to strike preemptively by going public with my vows to help protect Mother Earth’s borders:

1. Whenever somebody tells me Global Warming is a hoax (which usually happens on an uncharacteristically cold day in Iowa), I will open up a can of Lysol on ‘em and spray the CFCs in their eyes and say: “How does that feel, naysayer? You think Mother Earth likes it? Do you? Huh?” (Note: this is merely a hoax, so if anyone should go blind or bleed from the eyes, chalk it up as mere happenstance.)

2. Participate in the “Litterbug Catch and Release Program.” Any time I see somebody litter or flick their cigarette butt on the ground, I will apprehend them and call the authorities, who will arrest them and either release them on the other side of the ozone layer or sentence them to hard time in a nearby land fill (formerly known as “The Dump”).

3. Stop using modifiers in the future.

4. Team up with Mother Earth’s Creators, Klaatu and Gort (aka Jesus and God) and film a sequel to the original “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (not to be confused with the recently recycled version starring Keanu Reeves, whose acting career has been overly recycled beyond the Best-When-Used-By Date: “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”). In the new film, “The Day the Earth Stood Full,” we will declare Inertia on Earth, holding earthlings hostage until they meet our demands: Appoint WALL-E Czar of Earth, stop using doublespeak to mask threats against Earth (e.g. “clean coal”), and boot Keanu Reeves out of the Actors’ Guild – no questions asked.

Future Earth Czar WALL-E unveils Trash Talkin' Manifesto during stump speech in T.S. Elliot's Wasteland

5. Recycle this post.

I’m So Broke That…

When I call my voice mail, I have to call collect.

The IRS recently sent me a letter regarding this year’s tax filing that said: “Don’t bother.”

I now have vultures following me on Twitter.

When a panhandler asked if I could spare some change, I asked him if he had an easy-payment plan.

I don’t have enough cents to finish this sentence…

The lower-class revoked my membership for not keeping up with my dues.

Both the Democratic and Republican Parties removed me from their donor mailing lists.

To improve his station in life, my cat ran away to the Humane Society.

I asked Congress for a bailout so I can help pay for my bankruptcy filing.

I’ve resurrected my Ramen noodles’ recipe book from my early college daze.

That I e-mailed the Obama Administration asking them if they could spare some change I can believe in.

WordPress has threatened to foreclose my free blog.

Now’s your chance, Dear Reader, to say something funny by adding your two cents (no I Owe Yous, please; I’m broke enough as it is) in the COMMENTS section below.

The Teabaggin’ Revolution: Rebels Without a Full Teapot

When I think of teabagging, I can’t help but think about John Waters’ “Pecker.”

I was first exposed to teabagging while watching John Waters’ “Pecker” on the big screen in 1998. The film’s protagonist, Pecker, a Baltimore sandwich employee becomes an overnight success when pictures of his eccentric family become the new rage in the modern art world. During a scene in a gay bar, Pecker whips out his 35 millimeter camera and snaps pictures of a stripper teabagging one of the customers, which is strictly forbidden by the female barkeep in spite of customer requests to have the dancers bounce and drag their balls across their balding foreheads – in exchange for a sizeable tip of course.

And now, the GOP is mixing metaphors with its Tax Day Tea Party and call for widespread teabagging across the nation on Tax Day. In a feeble attempt to co-opt the Boston Tea Party, the GOP has inadvertently co-opted teabagging in its mixed-metaphor crossfire.

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

The thought of the sexually repressed GOP, armed with fully-loaded DSB (Dreaded Sperm Buildup) teabags and collectively dragging them across the receding landscape of America sends shudders down my spine to my teabags.

Ironically, the GOP and its foot soldiers are aiming their pent-up anger at the Obama administration for increasing taxes and blaming him for the current economic plight, when it was the previous administration, led by He Who Must Not Be Named, which ran up the deficit and broke America’s economic back.

Boy, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

Better yet, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

It’s only fitting that the Howard Beale inspired I’m-Mad-as-Hell-and-I’m-Not-Going-to-Take-It-Anymore faux frenzy has been fueled by the leader of faux news, FOX News, who I imagine is fronting for Lipton. Now Fox News is co-opting Beale — a byproduct of the satiric film “Network (1976),” which prophesized the co-opting of the news media by sacrificing journalistic integrity for entertainment and higher television ratings. Sound familiar?

Now I’m always game for a take-to-the-streets revolution, as long it’s for a worthy cause such as avoiding an illegal and costly war, bringing the skyrocketing Health Care Monopoly to its knees, or taking on my local grocery store for moving the Pop Tarts to another aisle just to fuck with me.

But given who showed up at these Tea Bag rallies, I’m not quite sure what specific cause these self-proclaimed Teabaggers are protesting:

1. President Barack Obama = the new Poster Child of Evil?

Metaphorically-challenged Teabagger mixes metaphors in plot to create Master Metaphor

When the teapot runs out of steam, one can always turn to Hitler Hyperbole to help draw parallels to evil. So, under the guise of Nationalism, Obama wants to create a Master Mixed Race of Kansas-Kenyans? I knew something fishy, other than the Rev. Phelps Hate Inbreeding Experiment, was going on in Kansas.

Or maybe the Teapotters have it backwards when drawing parallels to Hitler and brewing Nationalism:

Christian Nationalist makes fervored pitch for oxymoronic bigotry

2. Socialist Takeover?

With the threat of a Communist takeover having lost its rhetorical luster, fear-mongers have turned to Socialism to stoke the nostalgic flames of Red-baiting McCarythism.

Praise Joseph!!!

Member of anti-Swine lobby hides behind passive-agressive attack

3. Illegal Immigration?

If you are ever in need of a scapegoat for our government’s monetary mismanagement, take California’s lead (Proposition 187; circa. 1994) and blame illegal immigrants.

“The immigrants. I knew it was the immigrants even when it wasn’t the immigrants.” (Moe (The Simpsons: “Much Apu About Nothing”; 1996))

Woman (right) and illegal immigrant hired by woman to fill in for unemployed husband take stand against illegal immigration

4. Outsourcing of Child Labor?

Two American kids demand the U.S. stop outsourcing their jobs to other kids in third-world countries

5. Blow off Steam?

No real cause, rather just looking for another excuse to bitch about the government and blow off some pent-up steam, thus emptying their teapots empty by day’s end.

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Octomom (An Exercise in Futility)

To do her part in stimulating the economy, the Octomom (aka Nadya Denise Suleman) thought the best way she could contribute was by breeding new consumers, adding eight more to her stable of six. Unfortunately, given the fact that she has no viable income coupled with her multi-million dollar hospital bill, it is only a matter of time before Octomom begins lobbying Congress for an additional bailout.

Nadya Suleman Gutierrez: Voted "Most Likely to Breed a Third-World Country" by her high school senior classmates

Fearing that the government may force her into bankruptcy and sell off her only assets, her litter of children, Octomom has yet to sign them out from the hospital, which by the way, now serves as a four-star hotel with around-the-clock nurses, free cable television, and an in-house nanny service.

So what do you give somebody who is seeking more attention? More attention. Which leads us to this week’s edition of David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest. Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility.

That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Octomom

10. When the media keeps giving her all the attention she craves

9. Hospital nurses keep moving octuplets around without updating seating chart

8. Conceiving children the old-fashioned way

7. Potential suitors confuse her with James Bond girl Octopussy

6. Angelina Jolie refuses to take any of the octuplets for a test-drive

5. ABC’s Extreme Makeover’s keeps offering to build her family a giant shoe to live in

4. Porn giant Vivid offered her ONLY $1 million to star in adult film

3. Strangers keep recommending she read Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”

2. When the octuplets treat her body like a Hookah Bong

1. Can’t claim donor sperm as tax write-off

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.