Top Ten Women Tiger Woods Has NOT Slept With

America's Next Top Swinger

Once all the women who allegedly slept with America’s No. 1 Player Tiger Woods have officially stepped forward, it was only a matter of time before the remaining women left in America who have NOT slept with the golf ace would come crawling out of the woodwork (I know, I know…bad pun).

Fortunately for the latter population of women, a social networking group has started up on Facebook, “I have not slept with Tiger Woods,” – a place for the scarcity of women in America who feel left out and have a place to share their non-sexual experiences with one another. The group has already swelled to nearly 1,400 members, who allegedly did not sleep with Tiger Woods, and I imagine FOX News is tapping this source for up-and-coming ambush interviews.

Inspired by the Tiger Wood’s sexual prowess and the neglected holes he left behind, I thought I would do my part by creating the following list:

Top Ten Women Tiger Woods Has NOT Slept With

10. _____________________________

9. Ibid

8. Ibid

7. Ibid

6. Ibid

Tiger Woods pumps his fist in the air to celebrate finishing off the back-9 at a high-end brother outside of Las Vegas

5. Ibid

4. Ibid

3. Ibid

2. Ibid

1. Ibid

If you or anyone you know or don’t know has NOT slept with Tiger Woods, feel free to add their name in the COMMENTS section below.

More Useless Advice That May One Day Kill You (vol. 1)

The Almighty advised me to not look back while He’s barbequing sin on an open flame. Forrest Gump taught me to keep running. And Therapist Bob told me that I need to stop living in the past and running from my problems.

And now all I have for you, dear Reader, is more useless advice that may one day kill you:

1. Never sleep with a cockroach unless they promise you, in writing, to take you with them into the post-apocalyptic paradise.

2. Vote OTHER

3. Walk softly and carry conceal a mid-range CS Super Soaker.

Is that a Super Soaker 50 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? (your deserved groan here)

4. Rules were made to be amended (see U.S. Constitution, Geneva Conventions, and latest edition of Dungeons and Dragons Official Handbook)

5. Never trust anyone who tells you they LOVE dead baby jokes.

Autopsy: Man decapitated with mobile wire for telling one-too many dead-baby jokes to the wrong baby.

(Disclaimer: Please don’t kill the messenger, unless they advise you to do so – for a nominal fee of course.)

Top Ten Signs You’re Obsessed with “Lost” (An Exercise in Futility)

I’ll be the first to admit that not only have I never been lost, but I have never watched the serial television show “Lost” as well. Regarding the former, I take the Buddhist approach to getting off course as not being lost, rather the beginning of a new, unchartered journey.Therapist Bob tells me I say that to mask my insecurities, to which I reference Odysseus as my role model. “Some role model, mon. Not only did it take Odysseus 10 years to find his way home from Troy, but he lost all of his men in the process.”

Regarding “Lost,” as a general rule of them I steer clear of serial television shows, so my life doesn’t evolve around the television programming. After all, who is programming whom? For millions of viewers ensnared by the serial formula, it appears “Lost” is in control, which leads to this week’s edition of David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten Signs You’re Obsessed with “Lost”

10. Wikipedia recruited you to edit its “Lost” page.

9. You’re following Dr. Jack Shepherd on Twitter.

8. Logged over 50,000 frequent flyer miles on flights between Sydney and Los Angeles with the dream of one day crashing in the South Pacific to be reunited with your newly, adopted extended family.

7. Sold all of your “Gilligan’s Island” action figures on eBay and replaced them with “Lost” ones.

6. Too proud to stop channel surfacing, consult your TV Guide, and openly admit you are looking for “Lost.”

5. You have a Fathead of Hurley mounted on ceiling over your bed.

"Good morning, Sunshine..."

4. Gave up life-long search of Atlantis to pursue quest for “Lost” island.

3. Legally changed your name to Sayid Hassan Jarrah.

2. Just in case of an emergency, you sleep with a conch shell underneath your pillow.

1. You actually get “Lost”

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Little-Known Symptoms of the Swine Flu (An exercise in futility)

H1N1 Flu, formerly known as the “Swine Flu” formerly known as “Squealer’s Revenge” formerly known as “The Plague” formerly known as “Prince,” has reared its ugly head from the muck to help distract Americans, at least temporarily, from the economic crisis and Lindsey Lohan’s latest exploits. Speaking of the latter, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have documented more cases of diseases linked to Lohan than the origins of the latest strand of swine flu.

Nonetheless, the swine flu has been the butt of many jokes as of late, and it’s only a matter of time before the CDC declares a national emergency and quarantines swine-flu jokes before they spread any further.

Until then, free-range swine flu jokes will continue to roam aimlessly, rearing their heads across the comedic spectrum and popping up online and on late-night talk shows, which are not immune to the epidemic. Such is the case with this week’s edition of David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten Little-Known Symptoms of the Swine Flu

10. Facebook profile has been quarantined by Centers for Disease Control

9. Miss Piggy-induced nocturnal emissions

8. Brash cravings of filleted Rush Limbaugh (your choice of side: Oxycontin or hydrocodone)

7. Family doctor puts you on low-media diet without telling you why

6. Every time you play Pass the Pigs you roll “Making Bacon”

"Making Bacon!": Got Swine Flu?

5. Occasional hypochondriac irregularities

4. Development of unhealthy relationship with Porky Pig action figure

3. Cold Cut Sweats that make skin break out into Bacon Bits

2. Centers for Disease Control starts following you on Twitter

1. Sudden impulse to write SPAM Haikus filled with tasty swine-flu allusions:

Sacred sweaty meat
Released from its tin captor:
Harbinger of death

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

The Teabaggin’ Revolution: Rebels Without a Full Teapot

When I think of teabagging, I can’t help but think about John Waters’ “Pecker.”

I was first exposed to teabagging while watching John Waters’ “Pecker” on the big screen in 1998. The film’s protagonist, Pecker, a Baltimore sandwich employee becomes an overnight success when pictures of his eccentric family become the new rage in the modern art world. During a scene in a gay bar, Pecker whips out his 35 millimeter camera and snaps pictures of a stripper teabagging one of the customers, which is strictly forbidden by the female barkeep in spite of customer requests to have the dancers bounce and drag their balls across their balding foreheads – in exchange for a sizeable tip of course.

And now, the GOP is mixing metaphors with its Tax Day Tea Party and call for widespread teabagging across the nation on Tax Day. In a feeble attempt to co-opt the Boston Tea Party, the GOP has inadvertently co-opted teabagging in its mixed-metaphor crossfire.

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

The thought of the sexually repressed GOP, armed with fully-loaded DSB (Dreaded Sperm Buildup) teabags and collectively dragging them across the receding landscape of America sends shudders down my spine to my teabags.

Ironically, the GOP and its foot soldiers are aiming their pent-up anger at the Obama administration for increasing taxes and blaming him for the current economic plight, when it was the previous administration, led by He Who Must Not Be Named, which ran up the deficit and broke America’s economic back.

Boy, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

Better yet, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

It’s only fitting that the Howard Beale inspired I’m-Mad-as-Hell-and-I’m-Not-Going-to-Take-It-Anymore faux frenzy has been fueled by the leader of faux news, FOX News, who I imagine is fronting for Lipton. Now Fox News is co-opting Beale — a byproduct of the satiric film “Network (1976),” which prophesized the co-opting of the news media by sacrificing journalistic integrity for entertainment and higher television ratings. Sound familiar?

Now I’m always game for a take-to-the-streets revolution, as long it’s for a worthy cause such as avoiding an illegal and costly war, bringing the skyrocketing Health Care Monopoly to its knees, or taking on my local grocery store for moving the Pop Tarts to another aisle just to fuck with me.

But given who showed up at these Tea Bag rallies, I’m not quite sure what specific cause these self-proclaimed Teabaggers are protesting:

1. President Barack Obama = the new Poster Child of Evil?

Metaphorically-challenged Teabagger mixes metaphors in plot to create Master Metaphor

When the teapot runs out of steam, one can always turn to Hitler Hyperbole to help draw parallels to evil. So, under the guise of Nationalism, Obama wants to create a Master Mixed Race of Kansas-Kenyans? I knew something fishy, other than the Rev. Phelps Hate Inbreeding Experiment, was going on in Kansas.

Or maybe the Teapotters have it backwards when drawing parallels to Hitler and brewing Nationalism:

Christian Nationalist makes fervored pitch for oxymoronic bigotry

2. Socialist Takeover?

With the threat of a Communist takeover having lost its rhetorical luster, fear-mongers have turned to Socialism to stoke the nostalgic flames of Red-baiting McCarythism.

Praise Joseph!!!

Member of anti-Swine lobby hides behind passive-agressive attack

3. Illegal Immigration?

If you are ever in need of a scapegoat for our government’s monetary mismanagement, take California’s lead (Proposition 187; circa. 1994) and blame illegal immigrants.

“The immigrants. I knew it was the immigrants even when it wasn’t the immigrants.” (Moe (The Simpsons: “Much Apu About Nothing”; 1996))

Woman (right) and illegal immigrant hired by woman to fill in for unemployed husband take stand against illegal immigration

4. Outsourcing of Child Labor?

Two American kids demand the U.S. stop outsourcing their jobs to other kids in third-world countries

5. Blow off Steam?

No real cause, rather just looking for another excuse to bitch about the government and blow off some pent-up steam, thus emptying their teapots empty by day’s end.

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Octomom (An Exercise in Futility)

To do her part in stimulating the economy, the Octomom (aka Nadya Denise Suleman) thought the best way she could contribute was by breeding new consumers, adding eight more to her stable of six. Unfortunately, given the fact that she has no viable income coupled with her multi-million dollar hospital bill, it is only a matter of time before Octomom begins lobbying Congress for an additional bailout.

Nadya Suleman Gutierrez: Voted "Most Likely to Breed a Third-World Country" by her high school senior classmates

Fearing that the government may force her into bankruptcy and sell off her only assets, her litter of children, Octomom has yet to sign them out from the hospital, which by the way, now serves as a four-star hotel with around-the-clock nurses, free cable television, and an in-house nanny service.

So what do you give somebody who is seeking more attention? More attention. Which leads us to this week’s edition of David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest. Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility.

That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Octomom

10. When the media keeps giving her all the attention she craves

9. Hospital nurses keep moving octuplets around without updating seating chart

8. Conceiving children the old-fashioned way

7. Potential suitors confuse her with James Bond girl Octopussy

6. Angelina Jolie refuses to take any of the octuplets for a test-drive

5. ABC’s Extreme Makeover’s keeps offering to build her family a giant shoe to live in

4. Porn giant Vivid offered her ONLY $1 million to star in adult film

3. Strangers keep recommending she read Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”

2. When the octuplets treat her body like a Hookah Bong

1. Can’t claim donor sperm as tax write-off

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Rejected NCAA College Basketball Mascots (An Exercise in Futility)

Chief Illiniwek: "Read my face paint: I am not a racist mascot."

Usually when controversy and basketball mascots are mentioned in the same breath, it has something to do with the use of negative Native-American stereotypes such as the Fighting Illini’s Chief Illiniwek, Florida State’s Sammy Seminole, or the University of North Dakota’s Fighting Sioux.

However, to address these stereotypical misrepresentations of the Native-American culture, a University of Northern Colorado (UNC) intramural basketball team (which included players of Native-American ancestry) went on the satiric warpath in 2002 by adopting the name “Fighting Whites” (later dubbed “Fightin’ Whities” by media outlets). For their team’s mascot, the Fighting Whites employed a stereotypical, white, 1950s ad man based on the advertising art of the time.

When I first heard news about the Fightin’ Whities during an NPR report while driving my car to work, I nearly spit my coffee all over the dashboard. Finally, somebody had the stones to stick it to the White Man, I thought to myself. Before long, the Fightin’ Whities took the nation by storm and began selling the team’s t-shirt all over the country.

They sold enough t-shirts in 2003 that they were able to donate $100,000 to the UNC Foundation, most of which went to a scholarship fund for Native Americans.

Those silly Indian Givers — bucking the White Man’s ironic stereotypes once again.

And now David Letterman’s “Late Show” is getting in on some of the mascot action with its latest installment of the Online Top Ten Contest. Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility.

That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Rejected NCAA College Basketball Mascots

10. University of North Carolina Tar Heels Babies

9. AIG Golden Parachutists

8. University of Nevada – Las Vegas Number-Runnin’ Rebels

7. University of Kentucky Klansmen

6. University of Tennessee – Nashville Off-Court Predators

5. Boston College Lady Spread-Eagles

4. Indiana University Dark Knights

3. Duke Blue Devils Ballers

2. Oral Roberts University Fightin’ Fundies

1. American University Flying Jihadists

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

George W. Bush’s Top Ten Facebook Status Updates (An Exercise in Futility)

Just when you thought former President George W. Bush had fully disappeared into the Texas sunset with the satirists’ shadow following closely behind, David Letterman’s “Late Show” posse resurrected him for this week’s Online Top Ten Contest. While most satirists have boxed up their George W. Bush satiric crutches and stored them in the attic, CBS insists we beat the “dead horse” and contemplate what the “Great Decider” is doing during his twilight years.

When Bush first left office, I had no doubts he would follow his arch enemy Osama bin Laden’s lead and go into reclusive exile, resurrecting every so often to remind the American people, probably through the release of a grainy video clip on YouTube, who helped elevate the world of satire and made it what it is today.

However, unlike the “No White’s Allowed” sign mounted at the entrance of bin Laden’s Pakistani cave, Bush moved into the formerly whites-only Dallas suburb of Preston Hollow. Bush was immediately ostracized by his new upper-crust neighbors, whose property values made double-digit drops when They moved into the neighborhood.

Birds eye view of former President George W. Bush's new post-presidency bunker in Preston Hollow, where Bush remains holed up

Fortunately while living in exile, Bush has kept in contact with his two friends through his Facebook page, which leads to this week’s online Top Ten Contest.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: George W. Bush’s Top Ten Facebook Status Updates

George W. Bush is…

10. Having trouble deciding what to title upcoming memoir about decisions made in office

9. Missing Jon Stewart dropping his name on “The Daily Show”

8. Playing Grand Theft Democracy on his new Xbox 360

7. Wondering if he should double-down on life-insurance policy before weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney

6. Now friends with Kim Jong-il, Will Farrell, Joe Lieberman, Miley Cyrus, and Krusty the Clown

5. Watching “W” and wishes he could act like Josh Brolin

4. Feeling better after coming out of eight-year coma

3. Upset Laura’s book club is reading Obama’s “The Audacity of Hope”

2. Using 12-step program to break addiction to presidential signing statements

1. Hitting up AIG CEOs for presidential library donations

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Bernie Madoff Tips for Investing (An Exercise in Futility)

For a cool $50 billion, Bernie Madoff managed to buy Satan's vacated seat in hell

Unlike trying to find a consistent pattern in winning Powerball lottery numbers, the Late Show’s Online Top Ten Contest winners have become increasingly more predictable in recent weeks. All of the Big Three — Joaquin Phoenix, Paul Blart, and Bernie Madoff – reared their heads in last week’s winning list.

However, I am starting to think the Top Ten Contest, like the Powerball, is rigged. Everyone knows that Big Brother created and rigs the Powerball Lottery to keep the masses distracted from perpetual metaphoric wars, covert and otherwise, and to pump a steady stream of hope into the poor masses — so they don’t rise up and overthrow the government. Duh…

Following suit, Letterman’s producers created the Top Ten Contest to give online readers the illusion that CBS actually cares what we think, or in my case, feeding my illusions of grandeur that one day Letterman’s people will discover me and offer me a job writing for the “Late Show.”

Last week, I incorporated two-thirds of the Big Three in my list of possible entries for the topic, “Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan,” but did not submit either one of them to the official contest. Instead I submitted the only vote-getter: “All banking CEOs get to pass Go and collect $2 million, split Free Parking pot and will receive one get-out-of-jail-free card.”

Fast forward to this week, and I refuse to be tempted by the Big Three, however, I have no choice this week since the list’s topic is an homage to Bernie Madoff. Moreover, I’m unwilling to let go of my illusions of grandeur, for this is what compels me to get out of bed every morning – at least I think it’s a bed.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Bernie Madoff Tips for Investing

10. It takes other peoples’ money to make money

9. Buy stock in prisons

8. Everything I know about investing I learned from Jim Cramer on CNBC’s “Mad Money”

7. When the Feds come a knockin, start flushin’ the stock down

6. Screw Amway, think Ponzi

5. Avoid brokers with un-fortuitous names like Les Steele, Ben Had, or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

4. When SEC’s not looking, switch Invisible Hand with Invisible Monkey’s Paw

3. Buy low, sell often

2. Trade all shares labeled “Made in USA” for shares labeled “Owned by China”

1. Send me a check for $10,000, and I will send you the real top ten tips

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Spring Forward: Daylight Savings Next Casualty in Economic Downturn

The Clock Also Rises

In states that still participate in Daylight Savings, which may soon be nationalized by the federal government if Americans continue to lose confidence in daylight and are reluctant to spend their time, everyone bemoans the loss of an hour – namely because they could have used the hour to reset all the clocks in the house.

But seriously, what would they have done any differently had they had that extra hour this weekend? I’m sure if we conducted a family-feudal survey, the survey’s number one answer would be: sleep. Of course this assumes that those surveyed do not have children or milk cows, whose biological clocks resist man-made cosmic alterations in the Timexian universe. By the time these biological clocks are completely recalibrated, it will be time to “Fall Back.”

In Iowa the designated witching-hour to either spring forward or fall back centers the 2 a.m. bar-closing time, thus clearing up any confusion among alcohol peddlers as to when they should stop nursing the drunks passed out at the bar. The delayed time-switch also provides the lonely beer-goggle populace an extra hour to lose even more focus as they zero in on their intended target, preferably the one in the middle – even though they’ve only locked in on one target.

Local drunk attempts to pull back clock's big hand to extend "last call"

So why do we still have Daylight Savings, which allows Mother Nature’s invisible hand to unhinge our time-structured world without any government oversight and/or transparency? Better yet, what are some of the advantages and disadvantages of Daylight Savings and the age-old prospect of Springing Forward?

ADVANTAGES:

Less time for our Do-Nothing Congress to do less of nothing

More daylight in the evening to watch your new Plasma television

Provides excuse to take off for lunch an hour earlier or justify extending your afternoon cat nap: “Really, it’s an hour later, so…”

Get your newspaper an hour earlier, so your metabolism can get a jump start digesting all of the depressing news

Milk cows, whose teats aren’t prematurely pulled, are less likely to conspire with the pigs and the horses in overthrowing the Animal Farm and/or the government

DISADVANGAGES:

More time for the GOP-arm of our Do-Nothing Congress to obstruct Congress from doing less of nothing

If you die before ‘Fall Back,” you’ll be robbed of an hour of precious life, assuming every hour of your life is not already preciousssssssssss…

More daylight in the evening to shed even more light on the melancholic faces of those folks who have lost their jobs, homes, dignity, or thought injecting botulism into their foreheads ten years ago seemed like a good idea at the time

More time for Rush Limbaugh’s shadow to eclipse the sun, especially after he has succeeded in fully consuming the GOP

Insomniac’s more likely to join Fight Club, but we’ll never really know, because the first rule of Fight Club is never talking about Fight Club (looks like my membership has just been revoked; now what Tyler?)