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Entries tagged as ‘much adieu about nothing’

Top Ten Women Tiger Woods Has NOT Slept With

December 12, 2009 · Leave a Comment

America's Next Top Swinger

Once all the women who allegedly slept with America’s No. 1 Player Tiger Woods have officially stepped forward, it was only a matter of time before the remaining women left in America who have NOT slept with the golf ace would come crawling out of the woodwork (I know, I know…bad pun).

Fortunately for the latter population of women, a social networking group has started up on Facebook, “I have not slept with Tiger Woods,” – a place for the scarcity of women in America who feel left out and have a place to share their non-sexual experiences with one another. The group has already swelled to nearly 1,400 members, who allegedly did not sleep with Tiger Woods, and I imagine FOX News is tapping this source for up-and-coming ambush interviews.

Inspired by the Tiger Wood’s sexual prowess and the neglected holes he left behind, I thought I would do my part by creating the following list:

Top Ten Women Tiger Woods Has NOT Slept With

10. _____________________________

9. Ibid

8. Ibid

7. Ibid

6. Ibid

Tiger Woods pumps his fist in the air to celebrate finishing off the back-9 at a high-end brother outside of Las Vegas

5. Ibid

4. Ibid

3. Ibid

2. Ibid

1. Ibid

If you or anyone you know or don’t know has NOT slept with Tiger Woods, feel free to add their name in the COMMENTS section below.

Categories: Top Ten Lists
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The Teabaggin’ Revolution: Rebels Without a Full Teapot

April 16, 2009 · Leave a Comment

teabag

When I think of teabagging, I can’t help but think about John Waters’ “Pecker.”

I was first exposed to teabagging while watching John Waters’ “Pecker” on the big screen in 1998. The film’s protagonist, Pecker, a Baltimore sandwich employee becomes an overnight success when pictures of his eccentric family become the new rage in the modern art world. During a scene in a gay bar, Pecker whips out his 35 millimeter camera and snaps pictures of a stripper teabagging one of the customers, which is strictly forbidden by the female barkeep in spite of customer requests to have the dancers bounce and drag their balls across their balding foreheads – in exchange for a sizeable tip of course.

And now, the GOP is mixing metaphors with its Tax Day Tea Party and call for widespread teabagging across the nation on Tax Day. In a feeble attempt to co-opt the Boston Tea Party, the GOP has inadvertently co-opted teabagging in its mixed-metaphor crossfire.

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

The thought of the sexually repressed GOP, armed with fully-loaded DSB (Dreaded Sperm Buildup) teabags and collectively dragging them across the receding landscape of America sends shudders down my spine to my teabags.

Ironically, the GOP and its foot soldiers are aiming their pent-up anger at the Obama administration for increasing taxes and blaming him for the current economic plight, when it was the previous administration, led by He Who Must Not Be Named, which ran up the deficit and broke America’s economic back.

Boy, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

Better yet, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

It’s only fitting that the Howard Beale inspired I’m-Mad-as-Hell-and-I’m-Not-Going-to-Take-It-Anymore faux frenzy has been fueled by the leader of faux news, FOX News, who I imagine is fronting for Lipton. Now Fox News is co-opting Beale — a byproduct of the satiric film “Network (1976),” which prophesized the co-opting of the news media by sacrificing journalistic integrity for entertainment and higher television ratings. Sound familiar?

Now I’m always game for a take-to-the-streets revolution, as long it’s for a worthy cause such as avoiding an illegal and costly war, bringing the skyrocketing Health Care Monopoly to its knees, or taking on my local grocery store for moving the Pop Tarts to another aisle just to fuck with me.

But given who showed up at these Tea Bag rallies, I’m not quite sure what specific cause these self-proclaimed Teabaggers are protesting:

1. President Barack Obama = the new Poster Child of Evil?

Metaphorically-challenged Teabagger mixes metaphors in plot to create Master Metaphor

Metaphorically-challenged Teabagger mixes metaphors in plot to create Master Metaphor

When the teapot runs out of steam, one can always turn to Hitler Hyperbole to help draw parallels to evil. So, under the guise of Nationalism, Obama wants to create a Master Mixed Race of Kansas-Kenyans? I knew something fishy, other than the Rev. Phelps Hate Inbreeding Experiment, was going on in Kansas.

Or maybe the Teapotters have it backwards when drawing parallels to Hitler and brewing Nationalism:

Christian Nationalist makes fervored pitch for oxymoronic bigotry

Christian Nationalist makes fervored pitch for oxymoronic bigotry

2. Socialist Takeover?

With the threat of a Communist takeover having lost its rhetorical luster, fear-mongers have turned to Socialism to stoke the nostalgic flames of Red-baiting McCarythism.

Praise Joseph!!!

Member of anti-Swine lobby hides behind passive attack

Member of anti-Swine lobby hides behind passive-agressive attack

3. Illegal Immigration?

If you are ever in need of a scapegoat for our government’s monetary mismanagement, take California’s lead (Proposition 187; circa. 1994) and blame illegal immigrants.

“The immigrants. I knew it was the immigrants even when it wasn’t the immigrants.” (Moe (The Simpsons: “Much Apu About Nothing”; 1996))

Woman (right) and illegal immigrant (left) hired by woman to fill in for unemployed husband take stand against illegal immigration

Woman (right) and illegal immigrant hired by woman to fill in for unemployed husband take stand against illegal immigration

4. Outsourcing of Child Labor?

Two American kids demand the U.S. stop outsourcing their jobs to other kids in third-world countries

Two American kids demand the U.S. stop outsourcing their jobs to other kids in third-world countries

5. Blow off Steam?

No real cause, rather just looking for another excuse to bitch about the government and blow off some pent-up steam, thus emptying their teapots empty by day’s end.

Categories: Political Satire
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