Top Ten Women Tiger Woods Has NOT Slept With

America's Next Top Swinger

Once all the women who allegedly slept with America’s No. 1 Player Tiger Woods have officially stepped forward, it was only a matter of time before the remaining women left in America who have NOT slept with the golf ace would come crawling out of the woodwork (I know, I know…bad pun).

Fortunately for the latter population of women, a social networking group has started up on Facebook, “I have not slept with Tiger Woods,” – a place for the scarcity of women in America who feel left out and have a place to share their non-sexual experiences with one another. The group has already swelled to nearly 1,400 members, who allegedly did not sleep with Tiger Woods, and I imagine FOX News is tapping this source for up-and-coming ambush interviews.

Inspired by the Tiger Wood’s sexual prowess and the neglected holes he left behind, I thought I would do my part by creating the following list:

Top Ten Women Tiger Woods Has NOT Slept With

10. _____________________________

9. Ibid

8. Ibid

7. Ibid

6. Ibid

Tiger Woods pumps his fist in the air to celebrate finishing off the back-9 at a high-end brother outside of Las Vegas

5. Ibid

4. Ibid

3. Ibid

2. Ibid

1. Ibid

If you or anyone you know or don’t know has NOT slept with Tiger Woods, feel free to add their name in the COMMENTS section below.

Top Ten Things That May Have Killed Michael Jackson

Michael "The Thriller in Vanilla" Jackson: 1958 -- 2009

The King of Pop is dead, but like his missing glove, how he died remains shrouded in mystery, pending today’s autopsy. Speculation in Hollyplastic and around the world has already been a Twitter.

While Say Something Funny does not condone the exploitation of tragedy, we are not immune to the art of speculation – a euphemism for “we don’t know what the fuck we are talking about, but as long as there are folks who will listen to us talk about what the fuck we don’t know, we will keep espousing what the fuck we don’t know about (see blueprint for 24-hour news model).”

That said, here’s Say Something Funny’s speculation as to what may have (note passive voice here for litigation purposes) happened to the late Michael Jackson:

Top Ten “Things” That May Have Killed Michael Jackson

10. Overdosed on toxic combination of pigmentation pills and LaToya’s Psychic Network.

9. Overexerted himself moonwalking on treadmill.

8. Long-distance marriage to former wife Lisa Marie Presley finally caught up with him.

7. Copycat Death: Died of asphyxiation while listening to “Beat It” and paying an autoerotic tribute to late “Kung Fu” star David Carradine.

6. Bubbles, his pet chimp, unplugged his hyperbaric oxygen chamber.

While reminiscing about the salad days, Bubbles denies any rumored reports that he had any role in his master's death.

5. Inhaling too much marijuana* while watching “The Wiz” and listening to Pink Floyd’s ‘The Dark Side of the Moon” from the point of the Cowardly Lion’s roar — not realizing it would have the same effects had he been watching the original “The Wizard of Oz”.

*Autopsy will show that it was hyperventilation, not the marijuana that killed him.

4. Late-night Demerol binge – at least that’s the story the Jackson family wants you to believe.

3. President Barack Obama (give the right wingnuts a few days to connect the dots here and spew how Obama’s somehow to blame on their radio outlets).

2. Withdrawals of media attention.

1. Michael Jackson is not dead, rather he was abducted by Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, who took him back to Neverland, where he can play out the childhood that was originally stolen from him.

Rest in Peace, Michael

Top Ten Signs You’re Obsessed with “Lost” (An Exercise in Futility)

I’ll be the first to admit that not only have I never been lost, but I have never watched the serial television show “Lost” as well. Regarding the former, I take the Buddhist approach to getting off course as not being lost, rather the beginning of a new, unchartered journey.Therapist Bob tells me I say that to mask my insecurities, to which I reference Odysseus as my role model. “Some role model, mon. Not only did it take Odysseus 10 years to find his way home from Troy, but he lost all of his men in the process.”

Regarding “Lost,” as a general rule of them I steer clear of serial television shows, so my life doesn’t evolve around the television programming. After all, who is programming whom? For millions of viewers ensnared by the serial formula, it appears “Lost” is in control, which leads to this week’s edition of David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten Signs You’re Obsessed with “Lost”

10. Wikipedia recruited you to edit its “Lost” page.

9. You’re following Dr. Jack Shepherd on Twitter.

8. Logged over 50,000 frequent flyer miles on flights between Sydney and Los Angeles with the dream of one day crashing in the South Pacific to be reunited with your newly, adopted extended family.

7. Sold all of your “Gilligan’s Island” action figures on eBay and replaced them with “Lost” ones.

6. Too proud to stop channel surfacing, consult your TV Guide, and openly admit you are looking for “Lost.”

5. You have a Fathead of Hurley mounted on ceiling over your bed.

"Good morning, Sunshine..."

4. Gave up life-long search of Atlantis to pursue quest for “Lost” island.

3. Legally changed your name to Sayid Hassan Jarrah.

2. Just in case of an emergency, you sleep with a conch shell underneath your pillow.

1. You actually get “Lost”

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Little-Known Symptoms of the Swine Flu (An exercise in futility)

H1N1 Flu, formerly known as the “Swine Flu” formerly known as “Squealer’s Revenge” formerly known as “The Plague” formerly known as “Prince,” has reared its ugly head from the muck to help distract Americans, at least temporarily, from the economic crisis and Lindsey Lohan’s latest exploits. Speaking of the latter, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have documented more cases of diseases linked to Lohan than the origins of the latest strand of swine flu.

Nonetheless, the swine flu has been the butt of many jokes as of late, and it’s only a matter of time before the CDC declares a national emergency and quarantines swine-flu jokes before they spread any further.

Until then, free-range swine flu jokes will continue to roam aimlessly, rearing their heads across the comedic spectrum and popping up online and on late-night talk shows, which are not immune to the epidemic. Such is the case with this week’s edition of David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten Little-Known Symptoms of the Swine Flu

10. Facebook profile has been quarantined by Centers for Disease Control

9. Miss Piggy-induced nocturnal emissions

8. Brash cravings of filleted Rush Limbaugh (your choice of side: Oxycontin or hydrocodone)

7. Family doctor puts you on low-media diet without telling you why

6. Every time you play Pass the Pigs you roll “Making Bacon”

"Making Bacon!": Got Swine Flu?

5. Occasional hypochondriac irregularities

4. Development of unhealthy relationship with Porky Pig action figure

3. Cold Cut Sweats that make skin break out into Bacon Bits

2. Centers for Disease Control starts following you on Twitter

1. Sudden impulse to write SPAM Haikus filled with tasty swine-flu allusions:

Sacred sweaty meat
Released from its tin captor:
Harbinger of death

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Octomom (An Exercise in Futility)

To do her part in stimulating the economy, the Octomom (aka Nadya Denise Suleman) thought the best way she could contribute was by breeding new consumers, adding eight more to her stable of six. Unfortunately, given the fact that she has no viable income coupled with her multi-million dollar hospital bill, it is only a matter of time before Octomom begins lobbying Congress for an additional bailout.

Nadya Suleman Gutierrez: Voted "Most Likely to Breed a Third-World Country" by her high school senior classmates

Fearing that the government may force her into bankruptcy and sell off her only assets, her litter of children, Octomom has yet to sign them out from the hospital, which by the way, now serves as a four-star hotel with around-the-clock nurses, free cable television, and an in-house nanny service.

So what do you give somebody who is seeking more attention? More attention. Which leads us to this week’s edition of David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest. Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility.

That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Octomom

10. When the media keeps giving her all the attention she craves

9. Hospital nurses keep moving octuplets around without updating seating chart

8. Conceiving children the old-fashioned way

7. Potential suitors confuse her with James Bond girl Octopussy

6. Angelina Jolie refuses to take any of the octuplets for a test-drive

5. ABC’s Extreme Makeover’s keeps offering to build her family a giant shoe to live in

4. Porn giant Vivid offered her ONLY $1 million to star in adult film

3. Strangers keep recommending she read Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”

2. When the octuplets treat her body like a Hookah Bong

1. Can’t claim donor sperm as tax write-off

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Rejected NCAA College Basketball Mascots (An Exercise in Futility)

Chief Illiniwek: "Read my face paint: I am not a racist mascot."

Usually when controversy and basketball mascots are mentioned in the same breath, it has something to do with the use of negative Native-American stereotypes such as the Fighting Illini’s Chief Illiniwek, Florida State’s Sammy Seminole, or the University of North Dakota’s Fighting Sioux.

However, to address these stereotypical misrepresentations of the Native-American culture, a University of Northern Colorado (UNC) intramural basketball team (which included players of Native-American ancestry) went on the satiric warpath in 2002 by adopting the name “Fighting Whites” (later dubbed “Fightin’ Whities” by media outlets). For their team’s mascot, the Fighting Whites employed a stereotypical, white, 1950s ad man based on the advertising art of the time.

When I first heard news about the Fightin’ Whities during an NPR report while driving my car to work, I nearly spit my coffee all over the dashboard. Finally, somebody had the stones to stick it to the White Man, I thought to myself. Before long, the Fightin’ Whities took the nation by storm and began selling the team’s t-shirt all over the country.

They sold enough t-shirts in 2003 that they were able to donate $100,000 to the UNC Foundation, most of which went to a scholarship fund for Native Americans.

Those silly Indian Givers — bucking the White Man’s ironic stereotypes once again.

And now David Letterman’s “Late Show” is getting in on some of the mascot action with its latest installment of the Online Top Ten Contest. Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility.

That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Rejected NCAA College Basketball Mascots

10. University of North Carolina Tar Heels Babies

9. AIG Golden Parachutists

8. University of Nevada – Las Vegas Number-Runnin’ Rebels

7. University of Kentucky Klansmen

6. University of Tennessee – Nashville Off-Court Predators

5. Boston College Lady Spread-Eagles

4. Indiana University Dark Knights

3. Duke Blue Devils Ballers

2. Oral Roberts University Fightin’ Fundies

1. American University Flying Jihadists

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

George W. Bush’s Top Ten Facebook Status Updates (An Exercise in Futility)

Just when you thought former President George W. Bush had fully disappeared into the Texas sunset with the satirists’ shadow following closely behind, David Letterman’s “Late Show” posse resurrected him for this week’s Online Top Ten Contest. While most satirists have boxed up their George W. Bush satiric crutches and stored them in the attic, CBS insists we beat the “dead horse” and contemplate what the “Great Decider” is doing during his twilight years.

When Bush first left office, I had no doubts he would follow his arch enemy Osama bin Laden’s lead and go into reclusive exile, resurrecting every so often to remind the American people, probably through the release of a grainy video clip on YouTube, who helped elevate the world of satire and made it what it is today.

However, unlike the “No White’s Allowed” sign mounted at the entrance of bin Laden’s Pakistani cave, Bush moved into the formerly whites-only Dallas suburb of Preston Hollow. Bush was immediately ostracized by his new upper-crust neighbors, whose property values made double-digit drops when They moved into the neighborhood.

Birds eye view of former President George W. Bush's new post-presidency bunker in Preston Hollow, where Bush remains holed up

Fortunately while living in exile, Bush has kept in contact with his two friends through his Facebook page, which leads to this week’s online Top Ten Contest.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: George W. Bush’s Top Ten Facebook Status Updates

George W. Bush is…

10. Having trouble deciding what to title upcoming memoir about decisions made in office

9. Missing Jon Stewart dropping his name on “The Daily Show”

8. Playing Grand Theft Democracy on his new Xbox 360

7. Wondering if he should double-down on life-insurance policy before weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney

6. Now friends with Kim Jong-il, Will Farrell, Joe Lieberman, Miley Cyrus, and Krusty the Clown

5. Watching “W” and wishes he could act like Josh Brolin

4. Feeling better after coming out of eight-year coma

3. Upset Laura’s book club is reading Obama’s “The Audacity of Hope”

2. Using 12-step program to break addiction to presidential signing statements

1. Hitting up AIG CEOs for presidential library donations

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Bernie Madoff Tips for Investing (An Exercise in Futility)

For a cool $50 billion, Bernie Madoff managed to buy Satan's vacated seat in hell

Unlike trying to find a consistent pattern in winning Powerball lottery numbers, the Late Show’s Online Top Ten Contest winners have become increasingly more predictable in recent weeks. All of the Big Three — Joaquin Phoenix, Paul Blart, and Bernie Madoff – reared their heads in last week’s winning list.

However, I am starting to think the Top Ten Contest, like the Powerball, is rigged. Everyone knows that Big Brother created and rigs the Powerball Lottery to keep the masses distracted from perpetual metaphoric wars, covert and otherwise, and to pump a steady stream of hope into the poor masses — so they don’t rise up and overthrow the government. Duh…

Following suit, Letterman’s producers created the Top Ten Contest to give online readers the illusion that CBS actually cares what we think, or in my case, feeding my illusions of grandeur that one day Letterman’s people will discover me and offer me a job writing for the “Late Show.”

Last week, I incorporated two-thirds of the Big Three in my list of possible entries for the topic, “Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan,” but did not submit either one of them to the official contest. Instead I submitted the only vote-getter: “All banking CEOs get to pass Go and collect $2 million, split Free Parking pot and will receive one get-out-of-jail-free card.”

Fast forward to this week, and I refuse to be tempted by the Big Three, however, I have no choice this week since the list’s topic is an homage to Bernie Madoff. Moreover, I’m unwilling to let go of my illusions of grandeur, for this is what compels me to get out of bed every morning – at least I think it’s a bed.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Bernie Madoff Tips for Investing

10. It takes other peoples’ money to make money

9. Buy stock in prisons

8. Everything I know about investing I learned from Jim Cramer on CNBC’s “Mad Money”

7. When the Feds come a knockin, start flushin’ the stock down

6. Screw Amway, think Ponzi

5. Avoid brokers with un-fortuitous names like Les Steele, Ben Had, or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

4. When SEC’s not looking, switch Invisible Hand with Invisible Monkey’s Paw

3. Buy low, sell often

2. Trade all shares labeled “Made in USA” for shares labeled “Owned by China”

1. Send me a check for $10,000, and I will send you the real top ten tips

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan

Uncle Sam's New Improved Economic Bailout Plan: Just add more tax $$$ (drowning CEOs sold separately)

Looks like it’s politics-as-usual over at David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest Headquarters. The Paul Blart Mall Cop lobby has influenced this week’s winning entries once again by sleeping outside of its Hollywood caste and slummin’ with the independent film “Slumdog Millionaire.”

Paul Blart reared his head at the No. 3 spot in last week’s list, “Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards,” with “Just read my new script. It’s called ‘Slumdog Mall Cop.’” Moreover, the Online Top Ten Contest lists of the Late-Show past have seeped into one another as Joaquin Phoenix and Christina Bale made cameo appearances, proving once again that negative campaigning does work.

I took the Slumdog route and submitted “Who let the Slumdogs out? Woof! Woof!,” but to no avail.

I defy you Paul Blart!!!

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list:  Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan

10. Billboard-sized cardboard check from taxpayer’s checkbook with “Screwed Over Again” written in Memo

9. Finance Attorney’s General to prosecute the Invisible Hand

8. Advance to write next 9 sequels of the Economic Bailout Plan

7. All banking CEOs get to pass Go and collect $2 million, split Free Parking pot and will receive one get-out-of-jail-free card

6. Billion-dollar endowment to the Electoral College

5. Salaries for The Watchmen to oversee how bailout money is spent

4. In honor of Joaquin Phoenix, increased funding for Hollywood actor relocation program

3. Funding to reinstitute Wampum as national currency

Show me the wampum! Get your bling (see No. 3) on...

2. Six-figure writing fellowship awarded to former Illinois Gov. Blagojevich to pen his memoir

1. Money for people who ACTUALLY need it

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards

Okay, so David Letterman’s little Online Top Ten Contest duped me into watching the 81st Academy Awards Ceremony in its entirety, so I could comb through over three hours of material for this week’s category (see title). Granted I could think of worse research assignments — say sifting through the thousands of entries submitted every week to the Top Ten Online Contest. Somebody has to do the dirty work nobody else wants to do, eh?

Besides, that’s why God created interns in the first place. Just ask His fleet of interns scattered across the globe, who serve the Boss Man their entire lives, hoping one day they’ll get promoted and moved to an upstairs’ office — preferably the one with the leather chair and giant picture-window overlooking the entire kingdom.

Speaking of higher callings, my quest, or obsession in Therapist Bob’s eyes, to obtain the Holy “Late Show Online” t-shirt fell short yet again last week. Undaunted, however, I am starting to see some patterns emerge among past winners. For example, Bernie Madoff and Paul Blart: Mall Cop have reared their heads on multiple occasions, so I plan on casting them in cameo roles in my list this week.

The Oscar ceremony, for the most part, was a real yawner and felt like a latter-day Robert Altman film – a three-hour film chalked full of stars but never really goes anywhere (e.g. “Ready to Wear”). The definitive moment of the evening was when Sean Penn pulled the mild upset by beating out Mickey Rourke for Best Actor and used his speech to declare war on California’s homophobes. It was at that moment that I knew what I wanted for my next birthday: Sean Penn’s Balls. Not that I would ever use them per se, I just want to know that I had them in case an emergency calling for monster balls should ever arise.

WANTED: Sean Penn's other ball for birthday present.

But I digress, dear Reader. Here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to the Top Ten contest, but I cannot win this alone— so I’m soliciting your help. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards

10. What happened to the free hors d’oeuvres this year?

9. Remind me, what has Hugh Jackman been in?

8. Are we going to just sit by and watch the Brits and Aussie’s steal the show and all the awards?

7. Did you get a Bernie Madoff voodoo doll in your complimentary gift bag?

6. Excuse me Mr. Rourke, but the chandelier lights are reflecting off your silver tooth and blinding the orchestra pit crew.

5. Given the current exchange-rate for gold, the Oscars may actually be worth something this year.

4. Where’s Heath?

3. If I’d known Paul Blart would be running security, I would have left my Boda bag in the limo.

2. Would somebody please pass Sean Penn another tissue?

1. Who let the Slumdogs out? Woof! Woof!

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.